Who’s In Charge?

In the thirty plus years that I have been teaching the martial arts, I have learned a thing or two about what makes one student successful and another not. The odds of earning a black belt are extremely slim. On one hand this is quite surprising because the only difference between a person who earns a black belt and a person who does is that the successful person did not quit. On the other hand, when you consider the average person’s ability to follow through on anything over the long term, it is not surprising at all that so few people are willing to spend the years of training that are necessary to achieve the rank.

I had a frustrating conversation with a parent today who was looking to get her children into a martial art this coming fall. She was taking her kids around to various schools so that they could try them all out and figure out which school would fit her children the best. She wanted her kids to try a class at my school, or view one before trying.

I am a big fan of shopping around to determine which school will suit a family’s needs. Every school has different values that they focus on so it is important that a person knows what they are getting their children into - however a six year old is not qualified to make that determination.

This person got very defensive when she felt I was suggesting that her children were in charge of the decision. At this point I knew the conversation was not going to go well and that this family was not a good fit for my school. Was she planning on having her children try out all these different classes and then ignore their wishes when it came to choosing the best fit? What did she expect her six year old’s attitude to be if she did not go with the child’s wishes after having the kid evaluate all those schools? What if a school was giving free pony rides and cotton candy? Do you think a six year old would not choose that school over another that was teaching discipline and respect? Of course her children are in charge of the decision and of course they are being setup for failure.

Children are not equipped to make decisions based upon long-term benefit. Sweets prevail over vegetables and fun over hard work. Once a child is in charge of these decisions, they will always go for new and shiny and quickly dispose of the norm. Instead of teaching our children mastery, we are encouraging them to dabble.

“Loving a child doesn’t mean giving in to all his whims; to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult.” - Nadia Boulanger (1887 - 1979)